Monastic Life

At the time I celebrated the Festive of Dharma Glory after Nyepi on March 19th, one of my co-worker visited me. And 2 week after she visited me again just to really heard my story. She was my second man before, and in fact still had 8 year before entering retirement. But she asked for early retirement because 'could not stand it anymore ' so she said. "It's never be the same at the company, not like when Mbak still there ", she said peevishly. She struggle to hold on 9 year after I had to stop working at that time, and it seemed she had reached her limit.

When she came then she told me a lot about the company affair, about its people, about the up level boss and finally asked me what I've been doing all this time, 'just disappeared from circulation' she said it with giggling her smile.

I laughed too. That's right, what she said. I was like being sucked in and just disappeared from the circulation of the world. Being in my own world. In the world of my monastic life. It made me feel necessary to occasionally told of my strict and heavy period of learning to some people. So I decided to told her my story.

Actually I never intended to live a monastic life at the beginning. I just have so many questions about this life, - about my life. Who am I and why I live my life like this. Many things happened to me that differed in a ways when it experienced by others. I often feel alienated in this world. Such these, are the things that make me have to strictly learning and have to live a monastic life so I got the answer.

And my monastic life began strictly after I gave birth to my third child in 2009. And I actually entered the quarantine period since the beginning of 2011. I began to dress with special rule, - white dress top on top and always tie my hair in a certain way . Slowly I became fat and really uncomfortable to dressed like that. But I have to. I did often have to use a white all-white brahmanasaree. And after 5 year I permit to dress with definite colour.  I also have to use vajrapushpa at this time. Some of my picture in this period always wear vajrapushpa. But only that. My appearance just changed slightly. Not as tight as before

In this very time I never in contact with anyone, or media, not even in touch with my relatives. I really in my own world of learning. And I not have many picture in my time go under monastic life, because I hardly ever take pictures. Only some that I can get as it is.

Frankly, my monastic life really a very heavy and tough period. I write a lot of my lessons and do sadhana (spiritual discipline in the form of japa and hastamudra). And in the last 2 year, I have deign not only written, but occasionally also been allowed to be a pedharma wacana – kind of preach by reverend. But my lessons still I received in the heavier level.

In 2017 I also allowed to practice yogasana, which had been banned for me for this time and made me lose confidence but still had to keep my confidence to my guru. I really get fat then and sad all the time. So when I could practice again I was very happy. I may even taught some people who are allowed given taught by me. And my body and mind gradually in good shape again and be calm. 

I also very busy learning to dance and make some new dance, learn to sing and make lots of song, even play kinjari and I enjoy it.

The last year of my monastic life also been a busy year with test and test. So I really glad now it's over.

I've written my experience of my monastic life in a book unvarnished. I thought that time was the end of my learning. Because every time I feel insecured, my guru always said, "... well it's over". It was at the end of the 3rd year. But it was not. The lessons continued. At the end of the 4th year the book I revised. I thought now really over. Er ... but not, still more lessons to received. At the end of the 6th year the book I revised once again, but I got disappointed, again, because I just realized that my tests are just beginning. So I not want to fixed and finished that book again after that. Probably never again. I have lost interest in telling story about the detail of my very bitter, very hard and very difficult experience of learning. Let me keep it in my memory only. 

I have said that during this period of my monastic life there was time I allowed to be pedharma wacana. But that too be a test as well. So at that time I prefer I just be at home. I hardly ever leave my house. Not even hanging out with people anymore. I just learning, and talk to my guru only. It was really a very difficult and exhausting time. 

My friend just stunned heard my story. She knew me very much and trusted me before. I actually feel relieved and happy, she until now still believe me. Many not believe me, many said that all this time I just looking for attention only. Sometime I get hurt heard it, but at least my very friend really believe me. She even brought two of my books and smiled broadly as she said "Mbak, you’re still as ever. Always could do unusual things ". I just laughed. But she's still my friend, I could see. And still believe that I have not changed even though many have changed in my life. 

She also the first friend who received me when I said I become a Hindu before I stop working at 2008. And still accepted me now. Hhhhh ... it's a relief to know she's still like that. So moment like the celebration of the religious feast day would be a time so I could meet her again. 

Well ... living the monastic life are really hard. Especially when you not get much support from people close to you. That's what I've been through. 

But I free now. And this friend of mine also satisfied to see my life now (she was sad to see my very difficult situation-after all my wealth washed up -when I in the middle of my learning). So I could only be grateful. 

And wishing I could really have my life again.(*)

Mbak : allure called for an older woman

Japa : repeating God’s name

Hasta mudra : using hand gestures in certain rule to substitute japa in sadhana

Brahmanasaree : clothes wear brahmana

Vajrapushpa : hair garland from flower arrangement