Monastic Life

At the time I celebrated the Festive of Dharma Glory after Nyepi on March 19th, one of my co-worker visited me. And 2 week after she visited me again just to really heard my story. She was my second man before, and in fact still had 8 year before entering retirement. But she asked for early retirement because 'could not stand it anymore ' so she said. "It's never be the same at the company, not like when Mbak still there ", she said peevishly. She struggle to hold on 9 year after I had to stop working at that time, and it seemed she had reached her limit.

When she came then she told me a lot about the company affair, about its people, about the up level boss and finally asked me what I've been doing all this time, 'just disappeared from circulation' she said it with giggling her smile.

I laughed too. That's right, what she said. I was like being sucked in and just disappeared from the circulation of the world. Being in my own world. In the world of my monastic life. It made me feel necessary to occasionally told of my strict and heavy period of learning to some people. So I decided to told her my story.

Actually I never intended to live a monastic life at the beginning. I just have so many questions about this life, - about my life. Who am I and why I live my life like this. Many things happened to me that differed in a ways when it experienced by others. I often feel alienated in this world. Such these, are the things that make me have to strictly learning and have to live a monastic life so I got the answer.

And my monastic life began strictly after I gave birth to my third child in 2009. And I actually entered the quarantine period since the beginning of 2011. I began to dress with special rule, - white dress top on top and always tie my hair in a certain way . Slowly I became fat and really uncomfortable to dressed like that. But I have to. I did often have to use a white all-white brahmanasaree. And after 5 year I permit to dress with definite colour.  I also have to use vajrapushpa at this time. Some of my picture in this period always wear vajrapushpa. But only that. My appearance just changed slightly. Not as tight as before

In this very time I never in contact with anyone, or media, not even in touch with my relatives. I really in my own world of learning. And I not have many picture in my time go under monastic life, because I hardly ever take pictures. Only some that I can get as it is.

Frankly, my monastic life really a very heavy and tough period. I write a lot of my lessons and do sadhana (spiritual discipline in the form of japa and hastamudra). And in the last 2 year, I have deign not only written, but occasionally also been allowed to be a pedharma wacana – kind of preach by reverend. But my lessons still I received in the heavier level.

In 2017 I also allowed to practice yogasana, which had been banned for me for this time and made me lose confidence but still had to keep my confidence to my guru. I really get fat then and sad all the time. So when I could practice again I was very happy. I may even taught some people who are allowed given taught by me. And my body and mind gradually in good shape again and be calm. 

I also very busy learning to dance and make some new dance, learn to sing and make lots of song, even play kinjari and I enjoy it.

The last year of my monastic life also been a busy year with test and test. So I really glad now it's over.

I've written my experience of my monastic life in a book unvarnished. I thought that time was the end of my learning. Because every time I feel insecured, my guru always said, "... well it's over". It was at the end of the 3rd year. But it was not. The lessons continued. At the end of the 4th year the book I revised. I thought now really over. Er ... but not, still more lessons to received. At the end of the 6th year the book I revised once again, but I got disappointed, again, because I just realized that my tests are just beginning. So I not want to fixed and finished that book again after that. Probably never again. I have lost interest in telling story about the detail of my very bitter, very hard and very difficult experience of learning. Let me keep it in my memory only. 

I have said that during this period of my monastic life there was time I allowed to be pedharma wacana. But that too be a test as well. So at that time I prefer I just be at home. I hardly ever leave my house. Not even hanging out with people anymore. I just learning, and talk to my guru only. It was really a very difficult and exhausting time. 

My friend just stunned heard my story. She knew me very much and trusted me before. I actually feel relieved and happy, she until now still believe me. Many not believe me, many said that all this time I just looking for attention only. Sometime I get hurt heard it, but at least my very friend really believe me. She even brought two of my books and smiled broadly as she said "Mbak, you’re still as ever. Always could do unusual things ". I just laughed. But she's still my friend, I could see. And still believe that I have not changed even though many have changed in my life. 

She also the first friend who received me when I said I become a Hindu before I stop working at 2008. And still accepted me now. Hhhhh ... it's a relief to know she's still like that. So moment like the celebration of the religious feast day would be a time so I could meet her again. 

Well ... living the monastic life are really hard. Especially when you not get much support from people close to you. That's what I've been through. 

But I free now. And this friend of mine also satisfied to see my life now (she was sad to see my very difficult situation-after all my wealth washed up -when I in the middle of my learning). So I could only be grateful. 

And wishing I could really have my life again.(*)

Mbak : allure called for an older woman

Japa : repeating God’s name

Hasta mudra : using hand gestures in certain rule to substitute japa in sadhana

Brahmanasaree : clothes wear brahmana

Vajrapushpa : hair garland from flower arrangement

Heart Speaking

Kalian 96, April 16, 2018

Today just the same as the last few day. I very sad. And disappointed. Only disappointed. And ultimately angry. Upset. Exasperated. Irate. And despair. Just, I could not surrender why? It seem that surrender never be in me. I have only one weapon in my life; resignation. Give up ? No way eh ....

But today, again after …errr ...... almost 10 year or more ? Not sure. No wish to count. I angry once. I was in raged and hitting and slamming.

Heeeeh ... ..

On that ‘once’ I so angry with my son that it would going to explode my head, so I beat up an innocent mango tree at the yard back of my house with a broomstick. The tree unmoved, the broom broken. I satisfied but still nagging afterwards. Maybe I not satisfied for all, but the broom had been broken. I must stopped.

Not so far ever I also very angry at the office. My worker are so dull. Once a month I always reminded them in a meeting, how to work, reminded them their job description and their responsibility, reminded them to be good. And that day I reminded specifically not steal from me in the morning before start working. Very specific about one operation dealing. Heeeh….in the afternoon he did it. Embezzlement  sales which I caught out on that day too. Angry then be me. But this is in the office. In front of my workers ... ..there much as times ten. I was going to explode also so I had to the loo first, and trembling as I clenched my fists. I really want to hit with my fist, but what could I hit in the loo?  The walls hard. Water in the tub be, but if I punched it, my clothes would soppy. Gosh ... it still office hours. So what I could just squatted while holding my trembling jaw, my trembling face. My eyes hot. It took me 10 minutes to calm down. And ... talk. I was so angry I could not speak. But I had to fire this guy. Must talk. So ... ..huf ....

After that, one or two times I've also been angry. Slam something too. But ... never like today.

Still had time to think, hell. Wanna beat silly what .…yeah. There my son's toy, spinner. I throwed twice and go to pieces. Not bother where all pieces scattered. I never liked it anyway. Hhh…there a wood block. I throw slammed it against the wall. Once, twice, three times, four times…… Ahh..ponder..! Where the hell it going on my last throw. I got tense angry wrath. Ah ... good, there a bolster. I smashed it against the wall. Several times. Satisfied. Huh ... .my scapula hurt. I calmed down a moment. But ... still not satisfied. I sit, drink, back and forth around, then lying (people say if we angry while we stand, go sit, if while sitting still angry, then lying, so the anger would flee go off) but for me not succeed. If I angry; I stand, I sit, I lie down, I topsy turvy still I got angry.

So the bolster I take again. But somehow I saw sansak boxing. I wonder why there a sansak boxing. Oh yeah..my son do practice taekwondo. I got mettled “Aaah ... with this would be more slocked”, I thought. So I took the sansak and struck it against the wall. Once, twice, three times ...... at second I thought my house might be broke. My house is an old house. It could make me have to fix the house. So I fling throw the sansak and took the bolster once again. I hit it again to the wall. With bolster, my wall would safer. Once, twice, three times, oh my ... my punch getting harder, but a flash of mind appeared, "I could dashed this bolster, how could I sleep mellow tonight". It made me stopped banging on the wall. But I still angry. Still not satisfied. I think hard.

Finally I took sansak which I dumped on the floor. I hit hard that sansak. Hold it with my left hand, with my right hand I boxing. I thought I should hanged this sansak, but where the hell I have to hanged it? But this way I not satisfied. My fist could not hit hard. Not have enough power to do it. When my right hand feel in pain, I land with my left hand boxing. Enervate my left hand, I switched with my right hand once again. I panting. But still not satisfied. Finally I put the sansak on the floor, then I trampled. With my right foot. Tired. Use left foot. Tired. Step hard with my right foot again. Many times. Ahhh ...... finally I satisfied.

And tired of it.

And my emotion perked.

I just wonder everytime I got angry like this, I could be so strong. My finger blister. But I could bear. Feel no pain. In normal time na na… ... I have no power. Blistered a bit I would croon “Oouch-ouch”. Would never imagined I could be like this. But I composed now, and could let the sansak calm on the wall, the bolster let be friend to sleep.

Why the hell I so angry? Very!

I could not tell. Not have word to tell. I was so confused. Maybe I angry because I so confused. Maybe I desperate. Maybe I not satisfied. Maybe I disappointed. Because of what?

Hard to say. Complicated. Unbelieveable. Fuori di mente!

(Just like I speak English by an old English, I do speak and behave courteous  like an old Italian. And Italian also fall on contortion in meaning of words, not much different from English. Fuori di mente as I meant are "out of sane!" but in the now Italian it means "out of mind". It's much different in feeling. 'Out of sane' same as 'could not accepted', but 'out of mind' means 'crazy'. Just so anyone be cleared).

So, thank God I could still go berserk. If only the rampage I just could not let it out, where my clandestine emotion could go. I could not bear to hold. Ruined myself. Ruined my heart. Make my brain tilted. My mind no longer straight.

Now I could complain. Ew. No not. Just pour my heart out. Apparently there nothing in my heart. Nothing to tell. Nothing to say. It can only be this way.

But maybe I just need to be like this. Only lately all I heard was just that nonsense. Make my eyes round and round and twisted not want to round again. I should believe . But I could not. Not want anymore. I disappointed.

Could I trust again?
Could I believe?
Why should I believe?

A few week ago I wrote beautiful song in Italian. Arya Song, they say. Crede. Faith and Believe. Ti crede in te --- I wrote it at the end of the song. Believe every single word. Where are they all going now?

Not going anywhere.
It's in my heart. Just veiled.
I think I see them again now. I think I now could feel them and say it once more ...

Quello che doppo tutto passato, ti crede in te.

Happy Living With A New Spirit

I diligent love to greet people. Enounce for anything. Congratulate for the celebration of course. The celebration of religious holiday, birthday celebration, celebration of new born, congratulate graduation, celebrating offering thanksgiving, and of course the celebration of a new year.

Yes! I usually bring along and feel touched in emotion which usually accede the new year celebration. Strangely not this year. This year I not want to say anything to anyone. I lost my appetite to do it.

Why?

Why? Maybe I saturated. Saturated with everything around us. Saturated with all the hypocrisy that exist.

I reminisce my conversation when I still go on duty as a finance and accounting manager with my auditor from Surabaya, East Java. Not like usual, we talked a lot about things outside taxation that became the main task of the time.

We talked about high game of government and political party. About the growing religious extremists on the island of Java. About the influence of wrong education in Indonesia. About the high cost of living. About everything in this crazy era.

I was dizzy afterward. Headache. Where will the world go?

Now the conversation recalled once again in my mind. What I feel still the same; whacked. And every time be a moment like this, made me once again be remembered I was seek answers to questions that have existed since time immemorial;

Who we? Why people just make a mess in this world?
Where we come from? Why not anyone think of it?
Where we going? To a better place I guess….
What we looking for? Looked like nothing. People just round and round for …..nothing.

Why we here on earth? Eennggg……..
Why we do everything we do everyday? A friend say, it called life!

Could we make better choices? Sure, we do. But still many not do it.
Are all the answer just to make damage to the world as illation? Oh no .. no…. not ......Look above all my answer.

We born to back to Him. To reunite with the universe. But to be united we must purify ourselves. To be united we must be clean. Clean mind and whole self. And apart from duality. Black and white. Dark or Light. Good and bad. Day and night. Life and death.
Yes ... ..even life and death must be accepted as a whole. Accept life you must accept death also.

Then what's after this?

Nothing. Walk on living. Take a deep breath, smile, welcome the day. Work with passion. Share that spirit so that we could be in life again. Do your daily routine. Develop ourselves by learning from every life journey experienced.

Life could be so exhausting if we think of it. But if we just go on living, we not really feel the burden. If accepted wholeheartedly amazingly life even give happiness to those who go on in life.

So, with a new spirit live a life happily! Spirit that life is good, and do good to all. (*)

Correctly Breath, Healthy Life

End of last year I started to be a yogasana and pilates instructor and opened a studio at home. I had some people who regularly practice and at times get annoyed every time they compare the exercises I praxis to aerobics, or the gym or they asked for heavier and challenging workout even though they not able to do it. They asked for it only because they think they strong and well-heeled because beside practicing yogasana with me also practice aerobics elsewhere. Obviously zero. They out and out not able to do it when I demonstrated. And I got annoyed.

And when I noticed some people who always did this to me are those who practiced aerobics before. They so anxious, unable to focus, so it's hard for them to listen explanation or remember what's been explained to them. Even though I already explained what yogasana is, why should we practice yogasana and how to do it and why I trained them in such a way. I really distracted and it was in this moment when my mind drifted and remembered again to my experience of this aerobics. All right then. Maybe I should write it down now.

I started knowing about yogasana in the late 2003 after the birth of my second child. At that time I was 32 year old, had two children and my backbone around the waist (lumbar) began to hurt. Sometime it hurt so much I had to bend down to reduce the pain. I very afraid that I stoop before I stepped on my 40s.

When my gripe started to disrupted I set to searched what exactly I through because the traditional message not help much. Usually the traditional message enough to solve my problem such as sprains or prolapse uteri. But this one not work that way, so I had to find another way.

I started looking for information on the internet, but nobody could clearly tell me exactly what I through. But my general conclusion from reading here and there, browsing here and there, is that I have a spinal shift in the waist area. And the only medical way to improve is by way of surgery. 

God help.. ....! 

I eerie.

So I then tried to find another alternative treatment. There another way back then called chiropractic which after I learned ah ... just like a traditional massage in Indonesia. It's a kind of traditional massage whose technique is medically recognized in the western world. That is all. Not help much.

But I found one story of a man who recovered from his bone disorder (his legs form X) with pilates exercises. I was very excited back then, and started looking for information about pilates. Find some articles, and some pictures of the exercise (only pictures  ...  at that time you tube not yet lie in Indonesia ... not even be) that I printed all along with instructions to do and I do it. I tried to do as much as I could. Trial error. Sprained here and there. Abscess and feel twitched for days. But I keep tried and I could.

Six month later, the pain in my waist was gone and my body felt stronger. I got more excited and started looking for more information, bought the video all the way through Amazon (that year pilates, yogasana not widely known for most Indonesians, let alone for me who not live in the nation's capital). I printed out 1-2 volume of pilates book by downloading which I thought was good, and all I tried. I satisfied. It worked. And I soon got tired.

Yes. After nine month of doing it, practicing the daily routine of the heavy pilates --the matwork exercises-- I exhausted. But at that moment I also understood that pilates actually originated from four thing; yogasana, martial arts, gymnastic and aerobics. I know the last three thing, but not know what yogasana is. So I started to found out about yogasana at that time.

There are only 3-4 website that explain about yogasana in that year (around early 2004), but enough for me. I read and learned the entire content of the website, I did all posture. I tried hard. And surprisingly I feel comfortable.

To me this is really a soft version pilates. Gentle pilates. So I ended up doing yogasana and occasionally when I felt full of energy I practiced pilates. And I do it every single day from 2003 until now.

In 2005, - after 2 year non stop practicing pilates and or yogasana -, in my office at that time my boss invited aerobic trainer because he like. He liked to be in the crowd. And aerobics together like that is indeed very 'whoop it up'. Though no one really do the exercises anyway. But it's always pleased and pleasured to see the trainer coach move in the lead. A nice body she had, - I a woman and I did say so— don't asked my underling man. What come about the move ? Aaah.. ... just forget it. Ha ha ha…

But this did not give me a deep impression because - never practiced seriously. In fact I more interested in learning cha-cha or salsa steps on her coach. But then after the aerobics activities together at the office stopped, (because my boss had been move to another town, and my new boss not like aerobics) I then actually want to really try aerobics in a real gym studio. Want to know the reason? I like dances and songs in Indian movies and really curious to able to follow the footsteps of the dancers that I thought are aerobic movement in them. I did try aerobics in the office in consort with my co-workers. But I still not know the steps usually used in the dance. Maybe ... maybe if I practice real aerobics in the studio there might be a result. I sure about it. But really I just want to able to dance like the dancers in the Indian film, so I eager to practice aerobics. 

And by chance one of my underling feel ready to accompany me because she also want to exercise too, so we both practice aerobics in one studio in this Samarinda.

I signed up for 1 month, so there are 8 class I could take part. I was excited. And did practice. Once, twice, three times ... ..and I started to feel uncomfortable. They were very roisterous at the time of exercise. 

Four times, five times ... my breath sound hodgepodge, my heart pounding strangely and I start got nervous and restless. 

At the sixth I realized something was wrong here. First, way to take a deep breath in aerobics quite different from yogasana or pilates exercise I had done earlier. Way to move with so many sudden stop even sometimes make my joint pain. And my chest and belly are confused about who's turn to act to breath this time. Because I use abdominal respiration during yogasana, but have to use chest breathing during aerobics. Make my head dizzy. 

In the seventh exercise I decided it was my last training. I sure my body was headed for destruction. It feeled like my whole system is in a mess, and my brain started to shake. So I decided to stop. And  later...... need 12 year--- now I just remembered again and could see more clearly what I really experienced then .

---------------- 

What I understand now is that breath used in aerobics not true if intended to maintain a healthy body or to form a posture or to improve posture or body shape. Things that people think could be obtained from aerobics. Second, the movement that often stopped suddenly, and rarely actually deep into one posture because it must immediately change direction or motion could make the ligament easily torn, which sometimes made my joint feel painful at that time. Third, the movement in aerobics are usually not arranged according to the correct sequence so as not to damage the body's organ, so it could actually make the body damaged in the long run. And the fourth are that all of this bring brain disturbed, because despite we asked to concentrate for the movement according to instructor instruction but the movement often designed only for the splendour beauty  not consider the effect on the brain. 

So basically, aerobics really should not be said as a system of exercise to maintain a healthy body. But if it's only said aerobics could help a dancer able to move agile and strong, - that's right. That is, to strengthen the body, to strengthen the breath, to maintain stamina one still have to do other exercises. Not aerobics. 

I could summarize this because of my own experience and because I really a self-taught yogasana practitioner, meaning I master a posture by feeling my own body moving scansion rhythm with breath as it deep in posture. I knew when I could run into dislocate because of a certain posture, I knew when there too much wind in my body that I have to remove in a certain way, I knew when I should stop trying harder when I get into a certain posture because my body only able to reach in some point. And I've also tried aerobics and could feel how my body was so turn range in the wrong direction. Just like water running through pipes. When the pipes bent and make the stream obstructed, that's how I feel my body stuck in this aerobics. 

Of course I not blame or forbid anyone to do or practice aerobics, but should only everyone know that one could not hope that aerobics make healthy always or could make a good posture to old age.

For me aerobics are just one kind of dance, dance with a fast and powerful step. Where do I get the dexterity to move quickly and power to do it? From yogasana and pilates. It is more fit if I sized up when looked at some studios that provide aerobics or when there are aerobics events. Aerobics which looked just as an energetic exercise with accompaniment of music (hence I called it as one type of dance only). 

Despite the definition that this energetic exercise are to increase the strength of the heart, lungs and muscles as well as to make the amount of oxygen in the blood increased --- this is an unproven thing. Indeed, the heart beat fast, lungs pounding but because of confusion responded to information from the brain how to breathe in order to keep rhythm of motions. The muscle strong, but only the legs and thighs. Even groin untouched. So the aerobics definition as recorded in the Cambridge English Dictionary or on many other sites which is essentially same ie; is one type of exercise that is energetic to increase body strength and increase the amount of oxygen in the blood; --not proven. The amount of oxygen in the blood do increase during exercise, because it have to breathe fast but it not bring any benefit to body because it is too fast to pass and blow away out because tired.

However this writing only a sharing from me from my experience. I a yogasana instructor who  developed a self-training system that a combination of yogasana, martial arts and dance movement and been a yogasana / pilates practitioner since 2003, so I feel I competent enough to give an opinion that be from my own experience. It means that I have become the object of my own research. And here's my conclusion about this. 

So let's exercise properly. It means moving right, breathing right. And healthy body, self-balance be achieved as if might. 

Ciaao vela!