Why ??

Today I dreadfully sad, angry, annoyed and ... that's it. No more. Do you know why? Because my Hindustani (state that I become a Hindu) are accused and sued. There are some who asked which I could summarized like this, "You seem to have a deep knowledge of your religion before, why did you become a Hindu?"

There another question also like this: "Seeing what you know and understand and comprehend about your religion before, why not you re-embraced your religion once again? You know it all, have seen it all. "

At first heard these two question I got angry and was thinking to just ignore it and not consider it important. Until my Italian friend also asked the same thing. I have to really think the answer now. My Italian friend not a person who asked without intent. I just not really understand what exactly he seen.

But I could not just give an answer for granted. All in sudden. It took me 3 day to go back and forth thinking about it and I think God showed me the way because of some things I remembered, in some I repeated the circumstances that made my 'feelings' back in the time I decided to leaved out my old religion.

The first incident that raised my anger was, when my little girl --Kavyaa--  bother busy trying to buttoned her school uniform up to collar. I forbid her, but she persisted. When I asked why, the answer surprised me. She said her friends told her "Shame on you, your uniform not buttoned up". My heart beating hard ... I so angry.

The second incident was when my neighbor passed in front of my house while I in my yard up front my house too. She brought her two daughter who were 3 and 5 year old. Her daughters wanted a snack in the tavern next to my house. So I greeted her, and made small talk. We blathered thing or two then she told me that her 3-year-old girl are very difficult to take of the house if she not wear her veil. I surprised, so I asked why? Apparently she been put in pre-school and her teacher always encouraged her student to veil by saying "You not beautiful if you not wear the veil". I got surprised in acerbate. Not know how to keep the right expression, because I saw her mother laughed happily even though she hassled every time have to dress her little girl –even to buy snack to the next door.

But the incident triggered another memory of mind, even what happened above has passed. When I was in college, I also often feel humiliated for being said not beautiful just because I not wore veil. This happened in the 2000s, 10 year since I first dipped into an Islamic radical organization. After 10 year passed the situation only got worse, because so freely the doctrines that we usually only could heard in closed meetings now could be heard publicly. The sad thing is that most of it happened in colleges or universities where many youngster be in college or university far from their parents, thus they had deep need to feel secured . Even the lecturer will preach this doctrine before starting the lecture. I’ve experienced this when I still in college, and I see this still happening today.

I really feel insulted to say not pretty just because of it. Insulted when my handshake was ignored and rejected by men. And what most offended me was the doctrine that 'because I not wear veil, I should make a man be sin'.

My self-reliant and self-esteem were devastated by the doctrines. My life ruined. I always feel guilty. I easily feel guilty-even now the feeling still carried away from time to time. I tend to blame myself for all the circumstances.

Actually a lot of sloping practices that have happened to the present day. Such as asperses on others, feeling themselves righteous - and the most annoying of that are they always imposed their truth on others, so when they are in power all rules should according to their religion which must run and applied and be declared as truth. Even eliminating the chance of other people's live was also true if the reason are to uphold the 'truth' per their claim.

All these things make me sick and angry. But the root of my hatred are because of the doctrine that a woman is a sinner. Because I a woman then I must be sin. The words such "heaven is on mother's foot" became an obvious lie whilst a woman not respected as a woman.

I had trouble accepting my religion before soon after that. I keep rebelled just because I believe that woman are true. Women are the truth in life and should be accepted in the same way men see themselves.

Until now there are still many women who only become bed-friends, hookers, and considered only a burden because all their circumstances that some time really cause a burden for men. Many men forgot that they can be men like that only because women. There must women who sacrificed for him to be man. I really could not respect a man who could not think straight about this.

So why did I become a Hindu. Because I feel free here. I am free as a man (note; man are human, while men are for male human one or many, and woman are a female as women are for many woman). I free as a woman. No one would controlled me how I should dress, how I should talk. How I should walk. I free whether I a pious or a sinner. I free to choose the path of my life. My business whether I be a good or bad person. It's no one business. 

I could write down a lot, all my feeling, my anger, my disappointment and crestfallen about this. My hatred. I could show how skewed their view, how biased their are. But  not want to insult anyone anymore. I just not want to be insulted by anyone too. I give my respect to all, I just asked me to be respected too. 

And I should write like this about all of this so I could calm all the way. It’s true I could poured out very rude and bad words. I may be bad too. But I do not want to be like that. It's enough to spit out my anger and forlorn I've felt in few days ago like this. I hope all washed out here. 

I believe God always with me.

My First Task

Last night I received my first assignment as a consultant. I did it last night without postponed and this morning I gave the result. I think it's related to military matter at once as my first assignment, but no. Still pure management. What surprised me was his compliment this morning that he thought I should called myself as 'expert adept management' -. I gawked. Happy. But surprised.

For me my answered to him to reviewed the financial report he gave as usual as should be. But he marked that I had seen so much that he could found something else hidden. My judgment is smooth clean of the financial report. But at some point I made a note, and asked for additional data for clarification and confirmation of the numbers presented. Apparently that made him nay 'find' something else in the contrary.

Well ... however my duty is done. Just reviewing financial report and some questions about leadership. That is all. But I asked to called myself 'expert adept management'. Be gosh ... ..albeit cool, no ...

About this predicate appelation, some times I confused bah ... .. every time I’ve been asked what my business or what my profession or just when I asked to introduce myself. What in heaven am I. Want to say I just ordinary people, only a wife – got insulted, every of my word ignored. If I said I an artist, they doubted just because I would not made a show for a show only. Say I a guru, I not have an ashram. Urged to say I an expert, no one believe if you not have a long trusted track record of trace. So what am I ...?

Eventually it made me talked like a mom when I talked to moms. If I met artists, then I could showed my ability in the field of art. If I met the workers I instantly turn into middle executive. Whilst talked to head nob leader in no minutes I become a guru. Fuss if I talked to the ruler, -- once there are commented  "You are so egregious". Huuh ... ..how could I so bally. Nut head…., I don’t even had antlers. But that's what the ruler or ascendancy dominion said when talked to me about everything something. Ponder ... Not just I followed their rhythm ?.

But when I tought it heartily thoroughly  ...... four square it always fun to talked to the ruler. Exciting and challenging. But ... spent time with artists also fun. Laugh and laugh and really happy. While being a guru are enticing appealing also, it proven by I always hard troubbled to stop if I talked. But when I met the workers, I soon be tired. Or chatting with moms, I not last long. But the first three - it seem I could hold it till morning for wherefore fun to chat. Hai ya .......

Frankly I just want to share my first task. That is all. And that’s because I deeply happy been said as an expert adept, I got so excited for I wrote this. So bye for now yeah ... .. I think I want to take enough rest today.

Addio

Bah (Melayu) : an idiom phrase such as in “ No way …eh….”

Hai ya …(Chinese – Hokian) : an idiom phrase such “my lord….”

Addio (Italian) : bye-bye

Little Story

I told you once that I was asked to be a consultant, right? It turn out that one who asked live in other part of the world. I never thought like this. I think my Italian friend who in need because he who always cross grained asking. But not. He only in between agent for me, but who actually in need are his friend. Sure he had told me that I was his consultant. But my Italian friend indeed love to joke. I already hurray though, I really not expected to be as serious as this.

I would take task from my Italian friend, make it done, then I returned to him. He who would send forward to his friend who hired me. That's the way it work.

But this would be my first time take care of work abroad. So I took time notably to browse about taxation. It's been long time since I left the world of employ and work, many rules I not know anymore. So much had changed whilst become easier and transparent, though. And I grateful that the treaty tax between Indonesia and who need the consultant not complicated. All logic. So, okay then. I not seem would have problem with taxation.

To my surprised my Italian friend said I was asked to be a consultant for the next few year. Dear Lord!  ... ..I got confused ... I should grateful or what ?? I thankful of course, it a must ... ..but I just can’t believe it. This may be what people say, "always pray for fortune, once a fortune be can not even think again". I just solely decided that I have to learn more about taxes at least and some rules in my client country. Good God……

But we should not complain yes ... we should be grateful. And I deeply grateful. (But help .......) I seem to have to always built up a system. Looked like five times already I had to built a system. If I take job in new airlines at that time would made it 6. But no…here is now the sixth. I not know precisely what exactly my client wanted to consult. But by heard some what yesterday, looked like  .... the system should be.

But talking to my Italian friend made me think of Jhan Fawad and Jhan Nala. These two man actually who introduced me to my Italian friend. Although Jhan Fawad and Jhan Nala's affairs with me have nothing to do with any system or job. They both contacted me for wanting to become my devotee.
You know devotee -- bhakta? Bhakta is a person who served guru both religious guru or spritual guru. They said they had questions about life and been looking for answers to and fro until they finally set foot in Kartapura in Dera Baba Nanak. That's where they got precepted God to find me. They then really searched for me and could get in contact with me after a week of trying. I remembered I was a bit confused at that time. About a month ago I contacted by them by telepathy. Surprised that there who said want to be my devotee. I always think that I just an ordinary guru . Looked like they already Acharya instead, but why would they want to be my bhakta. But they too insisted only me who would able answer their questions. They made me dizzy.

I not allowed to refused for certain. But I confused by how I could taken care and rared them. Bhakta must live near their guru. Uh ...about that they're just saying that I not need to think about. "Rani Ma just to be our guru, we could take care of everything". Mai ...... I become more confused. This is not a common practice of guru-disciple in Indonesia.

But let it be. They have not arrived yet. And this week had not been in contact with me also. Usually they must contacted me at least two – three times a week. I remembered at about two week they begin contacted me they introduced me to my Italian friend be. That they three met in Punjab because they three did went to the sacred river in Kartapura. But when Jhan Nala told to the Italian that they both want to be my devotee, the Italian made up contact with me too. But he keep speak Italian to me. I really become really really dizzy.

I know a little Italian because I love to listen to Arya songs before. Never talked. But now I have to talk. Good thing there be google translate, funny though built up telepathy while open google translate. Thank God nobody's seen. Although the conversation lost-connect  but that’s okay .. he even gave me this consultant job like this in this present time . Just so you know, he understood English, not sure why he could only talk in Italian. I wonder…..

I told you that’s okay. Just as if I have to learn new languages only.  Really. He made me be obtained to make Italian songs. Uh ….he so terrific. He a poet literati. He could make beautiful translation. He made me satisfied. Some times I wonder some day he would dun me a fee for translation tendance.  Wkwkwk ....

Now I easy to make verses that I also wanted to translate into English. I always wanted my work translation to have the same taste - whatever it is – as by I write in Bahasa Indonesia. Such this writing, true I still can translate myself, but for the poem or poetry or melody and song, I would need good meaning and feeling and much vocabulary. Ah ... .Jhan Fawad is very clever to do this kind of thing. He had been helping me all this time. In a way every time I got contacted with two of them to discussed not only about their arrival or some of the things they want to asked, I also take time to asked about these translation to them. (Later I knew that they also musician, I be like yeee….haaa.. ... .. they could help me make music for my songs). In fact, at times I made promise to be contacted just to asked them help me translated my poem and song. 

(Heem .... if they read my blog I wonder what would they say .. true I a guru, but I really tacky rag. I've told them already though, that I not guru for all day. There are times when I just an ordinary person, eg when be a writer like this wua ha ha ...... I happy ... happy ....) 

For your information ... actually I a little confused with the name of my become bhakta, their name really like Arab name. He said Fawad should pronounced Fa-da. I follow it. Have I told you that they are Pakistani. I got to check how the name and faces of the Pakistani, oh God ... there are many Arab name for me. Only Pakistan are a lot of Islam man too. I hesitated about them and asked them, "You are Hindu right?" "Yes", Jhan Nala answered instantly. I believe them, still curious though. Later if they really come to me sure I asked them about this seriously. 

Oh yeah ... .. by the way Jhan is hail name for my devotee. In Indonesia there also one my bhakta, woman, Jhan Asti. Just one. 

So I now have someone who could help me translate satisfactorily into English according to my 'feel'. And after I also made friend with my Italian friend I begin composed a poem that then translated into Italian which later I made song. But I think I actually was forced to learn Italian. My Italian friend really good at persuading. 

So .. that's it. 

I'm now a consultant officially. And waiting for Jhan's arrival. As to whether they are, I someday would disentangle. I also want to clearly ask about their suspicious names.

Ciaao vela

Woman

Today my Italian friend suddenly asked my opinion about women. About the role of women in life. About the duty of women in life. About how women look at their lives."And you", he said. "What your life for?" I was amazed. No wind no rain why in sudden he asked about women. He soon straight replied, "You're a woman." Oh… okay. I answer. But this is a tough question. So I told him, “I'll think first, maybe tomorrow you could read on my blog”.

Hmm ... but these really a heavy question. I rather doubt how to told my opinion about it in simple way.

But maybe I could start from the first question. Wonder who woman?

The woman is 'one part of two which in pair', and the two which in pair are true in life. Black-white, cold-hot, low-high, dark-light, woman-man. That's it. So women are the truth in life.

The second question, what is the role of women in life?

Their role are to maintain the continuity of life. Women function as a case container base of life. Women pregnant—give birth. The seed from men. Seed alone without case container, could not live. But as part of two which in pair, women alone could not function without men. This is women's role in life. In nowadays the role looked as if it could be replaced by a machine by what so called 'human cloning', but it have a different result because cloning not able to continue life. Function as a means to preserved life disappeared, and ended in the existence of the cloning alone. That's why I never support this technology.

But when looking at it fundamentally it's just that. That the role of women in life are; maintaining the continuity of life by being a case container base of life to sustain and continue and nurture life.

The third question what is the duty of women in life?

As one part of two which in pair, then the obligation is as a couple for one other part. Duty -- obligation. So in life, marriage become a duty. Because that is the only way a woman could do her duty to become as one part of the two which in pair.

The other obligation related to 'being a part of the two which in pair'. Simple language be called as the obligation of a wife. And it could summarized as;

-  Staunch serve the husband and taking care of the household. In a sense a wife is responsible for the happiness of her husband and the whole family. Be a place of comfort and rely on. Become a place to complain and croon. And ensuring all member of the family could be fulfilled emotionally, mentally and spiritually. This is the wife's most serious responsibility. Because all this demanded a wife which an educated and wise woman.

- Support her husband and always trust him fully. In the household may be a wife who in charge, but outside the household  it is husband who must take decision and take full responsibility for the household. So the affairs of making a living, connecting with the community, and decide everything for his family is in the hand of the husband.

Only this in summary, the duty and obligation of the wife thus the duty and obligation of women. And when a woman do this, she would be said had done her duty as a woman in life already.

The fourth question, how do women look at life?

Well, for this last question the answer would be very subjective. Really from my perspective, from my life experience. The three previous question I had answer objectively because that is the conclusion in life. But this last question is a question that is 'ongoing' so the answer still subjective.

So I answered from my point of view--. 

I looked at this life are beautiful in all the clutter in it. I saw life are perfect in all the chaos that is in it. I saw that life are ordered in its disorder.

I saw that life that walk on world, very diversed,  about the appearance of its dweller, the way they speak, the way their associating and behaving, the way they looking at things, which in the end would easily for us to saw these people as different groups. But it really only enriched life.

Then these different groups connected and had intercommunication which in turn created much chaos over the world and made world stories so complicated that, in the long history of this world, the complexity of the story usually begin from women.

I've read a joke that sounded like this which perfectly described what I written in those two paragraph lightly and funny;

"Life are like a penis, hanging freely. And women make it hard. " --- Ha..ha..ha... but well .. life is like that exactly. 

I have more young man friends. Why? The answer are simple, because men are simple. I found it easier to talk to them, easier to take care of things with them. That is all. I'm not a tomboy girl, I just too frank and men are more receptive to my candor. So I once asked my friends, what their opinion about the joke. They answered, "Very very true". 

And well .. even though it's a rather rough joke, but it's truly true. It’s called life. 

When I asked them what their opinion about the joke, they merely added; "Can not live with them, can not live without them". It's really ironic to heard. But I a woman. I more humoroused and amused to heard these joke. And I only try found the proof from the stories I read around the world. And indeed it’s true …pal. 

All that expressed in those sentences are true. But I be so slipped out from the mark, yes ? Let's get serious again. 

The woman herself never saw life as a burden. She just needed someone who loved her and taken care of her, then it’s good. She would surely given her love more and more as a switch change. No calculation. Only not much today men which reserved the right to this kind of dressing. Many men forgot their obligations as men or husband. Many deliberately abandoned it, and many more did not know what their obligation as men or husband are. This is harrowed thing. 

I myself end up in conclusion that the turmoil and disorder of the world today only begin with men and women who not known what their responsibilities are. 

The life of women today are very painful because of this situation. Wasted unavailing by her own husband are a stale story. Being treated rudely are the usual thing. Being the backbone of the family while her husband just eat and sleep easy to see and encounter in every day life. Some are brainwashed by the wrong sense and must accepted it wholeheartedly. 

In the past, when I was younger, -- I've been more careful judging life now --I could easily railed and blamed these people. What I wrote in the above paragraph. But now I could see that it's just life's story. I just have to accepted as what it is. Yet the circumstances mentioned above are often asked to me when I give a dharma preach. Especially about polygamy related to the brainwashing women had by young girl who in love with her Islam boyfriend.

I used to say I refused polygamy. If you prompt me to accepted polygamy, you must accepted polyandry also. Then we're good.

Now, I still say ". If you force me to accepted polygamy, you must accepted polyandry also. Then we're good ", I just would not blame those who accepted polygamy. Every one must have their own reason. 

But there a story in my tradition -- in Hindu tradition -- about woman who have 5 husband. And for my surprised ... I met the same story happening today in the isolated villages of the Tibetan mountains. I read about it in National Geographic. A woman in that area generally become the wife of several men in one family. And it is accepted as a common social value of society and not invited debate or question marks. Just because of their geographic circumstances that made them very difficult to connect with people from outside, so if there already one man from one family get a wife from the outside, then his wife would be the wife of his brothers also for the practicality of life. Their population are more male. More baby boys survive than baby girls because of the harsh climate.

The old story in Hindu tradition also occured because of 'circumstances'. So if not for certain circumstances, then this practice not done. 

But still I have to made my mind to conclude my answer to this question. So my conclusion for how women look at life are; she just want to be happy with the person she loved, until old age there always a place to take refuge and lean on. That's it. 

Then why should I told you about the woman who have 5 husband? No clue. Incidentally stucked in my story. It's called intermezzo in writing. Think light, be happy. 

And last the final question, (lucky me he just asked 5 question, more I would had a headace.. ..)

what I want for my life?

Hmmm.....I just want to be happy. And be loved. Be with they're who loved me. I want to give my work and creation to the world, I want to give kindness to the world. Only that. Exaggerated hope, no ? Nah..... I believe somewhat I found a way to make it.

And heard my last answered my Italian friend laughed  happily but fishy suspiction. What's on his mind, I wonder ???

Well ... .this writing are for my friends. But ... I think it's good to read publicly also. I was told earlier that I would answer him by asked him to read in my blog. But I told him so, just to buy some time so I had time to think to answered. But I changed my mind now. I published. So be like this.

Ciaao vela