Heart Speaking

Kalian 96, April 16, 2018

Today just the same as the last few day. I very sad. And disappointed. Only disappointed. And ultimately angry. Upset. Exasperated. Irate. And despair. Just, I could not surrender why? It seem that surrender never be in me. I have only one weapon in my life; resignation. Give up ? No way eh ....

But today, again after …errr ...... almost 10 year or more ? Not sure. No wish to count. I angry once. I was in raged and hitting and slamming.

Heeeeh ... ..

On that ‘once’ I so angry with my son that it would going to explode my head, so I beat up an innocent mango tree at the yard back of my house with a broomstick. The tree unmoved, the broom broken. I satisfied but still nagging afterwards. Maybe I not satisfied for all, but the broom had been broken. I must stopped.

Not so far ever I also very angry at the office. My worker are so dull. Once a month I always reminded them in a meeting, how to work, reminded them their job description and their responsibility, reminded them to be good. And that day I reminded specifically not steal from me in the morning before start working. Very specific about one operation dealing. Heeeh….in the afternoon he did it. Embezzlement  sales which I caught out on that day too. Angry then be me. But this is in the office. In front of my workers ... ..there much as times ten. I was going to explode also so I had to the loo first, and trembling as I clenched my fists. I really want to hit with my fist, but what could I hit in the loo?  The walls hard. Water in the tub be, but if I punched it, my clothes would soppy. Gosh ... it still office hours. So what I could just squatted while holding my trembling jaw, my trembling face. My eyes hot. It took me 10 minutes to calm down. And ... talk. I was so angry I could not speak. But I had to fire this guy. Must talk. So ... ..huf ....

After that, one or two times I've also been angry. Slam something too. But ... never like today.

Still had time to think, hell. Wanna beat silly what .…yeah. There my son's toy, spinner. I throwed twice and go to pieces. Not bother where all pieces scattered. I never liked it anyway. Hhh…there a wood block. I throw slammed it against the wall. Once, twice, three times, four times…… Ahh..ponder..! Where the hell it going on my last throw. I got tense angry wrath. Ah ... good, there a bolster. I smashed it against the wall. Several times. Satisfied. Huh ... .my scapula hurt. I calmed down a moment. But ... still not satisfied. I sit, drink, back and forth around, then lying (people say if we angry while we stand, go sit, if while sitting still angry, then lying, so the anger would flee go off) but for me not succeed. If I angry; I stand, I sit, I lie down, I topsy turvy still I got angry.

So the bolster I take again. But somehow I saw sansak boxing. I wonder why there a sansak boxing. Oh yeah..my son do practice taekwondo. I got mettled “Aaah ... with this would be more slocked”, I thought. So I took the sansak and struck it against the wall. Once, twice, three times ...... at second I thought my house might be broke. My house is an old house. It could make me have to fix the house. So I fling throw the sansak and took the bolster once again. I hit it again to the wall. With bolster, my wall would safer. Once, twice, three times, oh my ... my punch getting harder, but a flash of mind appeared, "I could dashed this bolster, how could I sleep mellow tonight". It made me stopped banging on the wall. But I still angry. Still not satisfied. I think hard.

Finally I took sansak which I dumped on the floor. I hit hard that sansak. Hold it with my left hand, with my right hand I boxing. I thought I should hanged this sansak, but where the hell I have to hanged it? But this way I not satisfied. My fist could not hit hard. Not have enough power to do it. When my right hand feel in pain, I land with my left hand boxing. Enervate my left hand, I switched with my right hand once again. I panting. But still not satisfied. Finally I put the sansak on the floor, then I trampled. With my right foot. Tired. Use left foot. Tired. Step hard with my right foot again. Many times. Ahhh ...... finally I satisfied.

And tired of it.

And my emotion perked.

I just wonder everytime I got angry like this, I could be so strong. My finger blister. But I could bear. Feel no pain. In normal time na na… ... I have no power. Blistered a bit I would croon “Oouch-ouch”. Would never imagined I could be like this. But I composed now, and could let the sansak calm on the wall, the bolster let be friend to sleep.

Why the hell I so angry? Very!

I could not tell. Not have word to tell. I was so confused. Maybe I angry because I so confused. Maybe I desperate. Maybe I not satisfied. Maybe I disappointed. Because of what?

Hard to say. Complicated. Unbelieveable. Fuori di mente!

(Just like I speak English by an old English, I do speak and behave courteous  like an old Italian. And Italian also fall on contortion in meaning of words, not much different from English. Fuori di mente as I meant are "out of sane!" but in the now Italian it means "out of mind". It's much different in feeling. 'Out of sane' same as 'could not accepted', but 'out of mind' means 'crazy'. Just so anyone be cleared).

So, thank God I could still go berserk. If only the rampage I just could not let it out, where my clandestine emotion could go. I could not bear to hold. Ruined myself. Ruined my heart. Make my brain tilted. My mind no longer straight.

Now I could complain. Ew. No not. Just pour my heart out. Apparently there nothing in my heart. Nothing to tell. Nothing to say. It can only be this way.

But maybe I just need to be like this. Only lately all I heard was just that nonsense. Make my eyes round and round and twisted not want to round again. I should believe . But I could not. Not want anymore. I disappointed.

Could I trust again?
Could I believe?
Why should I believe?

A few week ago I wrote beautiful song in Italian. Arya Song, they say. Crede. Faith and Believe. Ti crede in te --- I wrote it at the end of the song. Believe every single word. Where are they all going now?

Not going anywhere.
It's in my heart. Just veiled.
I think I see them again now. I think I now could feel them and say it once more ...

Quello che doppo tutto passato, ti crede in te.