Why ??

Today I dreadfully sad, angry, annoyed and ... that's it. No more. Do you know why? Because my Hindustani (state that I become a Hindu) are accused and sued. There are some who asked which I could summarized like this, "You seem to have a deep knowledge of your religion before, why did you become a Hindu?"

There another question also like this: "Seeing what you know and understand and comprehend about your religion before, why not you re-embraced your religion once again? You know it all, have seen it all. "

At first heard these two question I got angry and was thinking to just ignore it and not consider it important. Until my Italian friend also asked the same thing. I have to really think the answer now. My Italian friend not a person who asked without intent. I just not really understand what exactly he seen.

But I could not just give an answer for granted. All in sudden. It took me 3 day to go back and forth thinking about it and I think God showed me the way because of some things I remembered, in some I repeated the circumstances that made my 'feelings' back in the time I decided to leaved out my old religion.

The first incident that raised my anger was, when my little girl --Kavyaa--  bother busy trying to buttoned her school uniform up to collar. I forbid her, but she persisted. When I asked why, the answer surprised me. She said her friends told her "Shame on you, your uniform not buttoned up". My heart beating hard ... I so angry.

The second incident was when my neighbor passed in front of my house while I in my yard up front my house too. She brought her two daughter who were 3 and 5 year old. Her daughters wanted a snack in the tavern next to my house. So I greeted her, and made small talk. We blathered thing or two then she told me that her 3-year-old girl are very difficult to take of the house if she not wear her veil. I surprised, so I asked why? Apparently she been put in pre-school and her teacher always encouraged her student to veil by saying "You not beautiful if you not wear the veil". I got surprised in acerbate. Not know how to keep the right expression, because I saw her mother laughed happily even though she hassled every time have to dress her little girl –even to buy snack to the next door.

But the incident triggered another memory of mind, even what happened above has passed. When I was in college, I also often feel humiliated for being said not beautiful just because I not wore veil. This happened in the 2000s, 10 year since I first dipped into an Islamic radical organization. After 10 year passed the situation only got worse, because so freely the doctrines that we usually only could heard in closed meetings now could be heard publicly. The sad thing is that most of it happened in colleges or universities where many youngster be in college or university far from their parents, thus they had deep need to feel secured . Even the lecturer will preach this doctrine before starting the lecture. I’ve experienced this when I still in college, and I see this still happening today.

I really feel insulted to say not pretty just because of it. Insulted when my handshake was ignored and rejected by men. And what most offended me was the doctrine that 'because I not wear veil, I should make a man be sin'.

My self-reliant and self-esteem were devastated by the doctrines. My life ruined. I always feel guilty. I easily feel guilty-even now the feeling still carried away from time to time. I tend to blame myself for all the circumstances.

Actually a lot of sloping practices that have happened to the present day. Such as asperses on others, feeling themselves righteous - and the most annoying of that are they always imposed their truth on others, so when they are in power all rules should according to their religion which must run and applied and be declared as truth. Even eliminating the chance of other people's live was also true if the reason are to uphold the 'truth' per their claim.

All these things make me sick and angry. But the root of my hatred are because of the doctrine that a woman is a sinner. Because I a woman then I must be sin. The words such "heaven is on mother's foot" became an obvious lie whilst a woman not respected as a woman.

I had trouble accepting my religion before soon after that. I keep rebelled just because I believe that woman are true. Women are the truth in life and should be accepted in the same way men see themselves.

Until now there are still many women who only become bed-friends, hookers, and considered only a burden because all their circumstances that some time really cause a burden for men. Many men forgot that they can be men like that only because women. There must women who sacrificed for him to be man. I really could not respect a man who could not think straight about this.

So why did I become a Hindu. Because I feel free here. I am free as a man (note; man are human, while men are for male human one or many, and woman are a female as women are for many woman). I free as a woman. No one would controlled me how I should dress, how I should talk. How I should walk. I free whether I a pious or a sinner. I free to choose the path of my life. My business whether I be a good or bad person. It's no one business. 

I could write down a lot, all my feeling, my anger, my disappointment and crestfallen about this. My hatred. I could show how skewed their view, how biased their are. But  not want to insult anyone anymore. I just not want to be insulted by anyone too. I give my respect to all, I just asked me to be respected too. 

And I should write like this about all of this so I could calm all the way. It’s true I could poured out very rude and bad words. I may be bad too. But I do not want to be like that. It's enough to spit out my anger and forlorn I've felt in few days ago like this. I hope all washed out here. 

I believe God always with me.