My Indonesia

Yesterday when my script article 'Why ??' finished, actually my mind were still tangled. Such as in turmoil. As if something not finished yet. As if there were still a lot of anger and disappointment stored. I surprised because I thought I had been through this for a long time. I think I'm done with all of this. Apparently not. Not yet. There still many feelings buried in my heart.

I did things all day yesterday but my thoughts about it not stop. I thought over about what I really felt. Not just anger over my state and fettle, it seemed. Not just disenchantment for my existence alone, obvious turn. But more than that. apparently I also disappointed and sad to see my nation, my homeland.

I remembrance my Indonesia in my childhood are a country which have many tribes, many islands with different appearances of the people, different language, different culture. My parent had to move on to many different region on different island, so I could say this based on my real experience. Cultures and traditions in each new place we live in are different, but there be that often spoken in the old saying as; 'where step hold rest to earth, there sky must upheld'.

So I may just called myself Banjarnese, but when I lived in Jambi, I have to behave like a Jambi people, I should obey ethical and the courtesy of Jambi people. I a Banjarnese (South Kalimantan) but when my family lived in Pekalongan (one of district In Middle Java) then I have to behave like a Javanese. The ethics and cultural values ​​I used should the Javanese culture. The Javanese spoke softly and refined, I should not have spoken in high tone to them. The Jambi people are more frank than Banjarnese, I should follow their modesty. Only then I could be said as people who have courtesy and gallantry, have manner. Only then people could respect me. More or less are like that. And the result, wherever we go, wherever we are there only a harmonious and gladden relationship which bring happiness.

When the feast times arrived, everyone would visited each other, without prejudice, without suspicion. All done sincerely, not mere frivolity. When someone had difficulty all would come to help regardless of what religion. Not regard the status and incumbent function. Even every woman treated with care and could get protection. If a mother walked alone and got lost, many young man would come to help her until she could in to destination. When a little girl lost her mother, all men would try to make her could get her family again. When there a young girl looked confused on the street, boys sure come not just trying to attract her attention but helping her also without any cheesy motive.

I have also experienced it myself several time. When I got into trouble on the road, I alone, there be people who come to help me until I feel safe and calm again. My legs had cramps while shopping and some young people just helped me until my feet could be walked again. Once I had trouble getting the city transport when I back home from visiting my friend's house far enough from my own house, there people who felt pity and offered to drive me home sincerely. When I was in college in another city but really wanted to go home, I foolishly got on aboard without a ticket because they said I could buy ticket on the ship after sail voyage. But I was getting caught on a ship without a ticket instantly. So I have to pay double for the ticket price. I was desperate and resigned to being almost thrown on the sea and returned to the depart harbour by a lifeboat, when someone paid me the ticket with the double price, and gave me the fare back home. I did still have to take a bus about 3 hour before I could actually get home. My parent were very grateful for this, and visited the man who helped me to pay back, but was rejected because he said he just wanted to help.

That is the state of Indonesia before. Until about early 90's. My Indonesia.

Now, want to help neighbours you must see what their religion first. Want to visit during the feasts, if not know them since young not expected to come to visit again. If there woman who confused on the street, men only looked at her dazed --hesitated to help by the reason she not their family, not rare the one who helped the one who would got fallaciousness  considered rude to her. The culture of any local region are forgotten. Customs abandoned. The only that be highlight are only religious matters. This is what happening in Indonesia now. If anyone wanted to live a life by the culture of his own ancient ancestors they would laughed at and perverted and sordid and it is wrong. What be right are thing that in accordance to the religious rules only. 

I just see Arabian everywhere. Male and female. At times looked to certain area regions, you would see Indian culture. Brought your look to other again, all-round great western. Indonesia disappeared in religious label. Only hatred be, prejudice lit. Brotherhood disappeared erased by a niggling view in the name of religion.

I sad. Very sad. Want to rage. Despair. 

I ever feeled this sad about 2005-2006.Then I wrote. A lot of writing about this. And I thought it was over all my anger at the time. Apparently not. Not yet.

 I still be sad now. When my religion are accused and sued. Some time I wonder if I just run away before? Or am I really looking for my freedom. Maybe both. I run away but then really find freedom here. 

Every time I read the status of friends on social media, which is sectarian (read: religious sentences) I sad. Every time I heard story like a friend who just bought a cake in bakery and asked to be written 'Merry Christmast And Happy New Year' not served just because it not fit with the beliefs the bakery owner, I cried.

I did sad when I want to print run off my book, but it turn out that the offset only served customers on one particular religion. Similarly, when I tried to buy clothes through online marketing, which then I canceled because the seller only served customers with a particular religion. 

Oh, Mai where my Indonesia.

My Indonesia disappeared in the struggle for power in the cloak of religion. And I sad and angry. I rusty mad and mope. I'm not even able to write my wishes. Usually as bad as anything I've written I sure covered my writing with hope. But ah ... ..I remembered my writing within 2 week, only complained, anger wrath, woeful, or just story. Where is my spirit ?? My spirit be. 

I choose to surrender and believe. Resign and trust in God. There's always a good thing in the worst of any circumstances. I always believe it.