Why Should Learned ?

I live my normal life for some time now. Normal in a sense, I could free now. Meet some friend, sight seeing to the mall, plan a picnic, shopping and so on. But every time I met my old friends they always asked what I've been doing all this time, why we never met here and then.  And I could only answered, "I've been learning all this long". But, usually their expression every time they heard my answered only; frowning, staring blankly, open-mouthed, nodding obscurely mean or scratching a non-itchy head. Some people would asked more detail, but that only made me feeled desperate how to explain. Really difficult elucidated of 'learning' to common people. Usually I just try to explained as much as I could, and they then pretended to understand. Desperate we were.

All this thing make me rethink about this. Indonesia is not India, that's for sure. So what is ‘learning’ not too easy to explain. This tradition known in Indonesia since ancient time, but not as strict as in India. But I through my period of learning  by tradition of learning in India. Therefore it might be good if I try to poured it down. Usually my confusion diminished by this way for I could see more clearly and calm.

Generally the questions I faced is why should I learned? The first question is a big apropos one, because honestly if I would answered clearly not enough 10 pages if it is written down. But if I make it short it might be like this; -- so could I answered my questions in life like who I really am, why I born into the world, where I go after death, is there anything else beyond this life etc --. These are question that could not be answered by just asking. But one must do discipline to develop oneself so that one could 'heard' the answer. Who answered? He - God Himself.

The follow question usually like this, what kind of discipline? Like japamala (repeating the name of God, yogasana (to make body strong), and establishing self-discipline in daily life or do collective offerings, include be active in all religious activities and diligent self-cleaning.

The third question that always confused me are, why should dress like an Indian? What a.. ... .. how should I try to explain gosh. Not enough just two or three sentence. Usually I just answered that this is saree. Saree mean a long cloth. Used by everyone who in journey to meet God. It's kind of a blessed outfit. To be easy to meet God. Enough stop here.

The next question, (I seemed too often had to answered these question no ... I amaze that I memorized the sequence) what is red mark on your forehead?  At times the one who asked this question often watched Indian movies, they loved to guess what its name. Most said it is tilak. I just smiled and answered that I wore bindu not tilak. Some time I found it necessary to point out that my bindu line is different from tilak. After comparing it they usually nodded. But there are those who in the second thought said "Eh ... .. looked like Nandini  ..." and it made me frowned heard it. What is Nandini. As far as I knew,it is  the name of a cow belonged to a Rsi in a purana about Mahadeva. But I become curious too. And after back asked them  oooh ... .that's the title of one of the Indian series that routinely aired on one of the private TV. I need to take myself to watched 1-2 series just to ended my curiousity. It turned out the personage figure in the film used bindu the same as mine. Big posh ... ..

Actually I have long not been allowed to watched this kind of story on books or movies and if allowed must under the guidance of my guru so that the story not mistaken. Indeed there are many stories in purana--ittihasa--brahmanasutra that had faulty incorrect from the true story.

Even though I got many comment about this, still I explained them so they not think wrong about bindu, that bindu could only be used by people who always diligent and obedient do the ritual and offerings. So if a person only seen occasionally wear bindu, it mean it is just for fashion style only. The real bindu must be worn all the time. Like a cloth, if you not wear it feeled like you should not go anywhere.

Here are the question that people usually asked me. But some while there question like, is Hindu have God? Heeh..this is a funny but chafe question. But as a teenager who generally asked this, I should answered correctly and calmly. But funny is not it ... we called it a religion but not have God. Chafe for matter they not understand the concept of God in Hindu but think that Hindu have no god. Right knackered !

Though I was nagged every time I heard this kind of question, I keep smiled and answered sweetly, "Of course be". Eeh.. hunt pursued, "There also a prayer?". Bang ...... !!  be dead. While keeping smiled I answered as calmly as possible, "Sure be ... ....". Then I mentioned the main prayer in Hinduism. Only then who asked be stunned in disbelief. I also hurried away instead of getting mad.

So why I had to learned, are to answered all those above questions. Did I got the answer? Already. So what now? move on again. Only now I have no worries anymore. About life. About death. Because once I did afraid to be dead ... .. I attentiyed when my mother died in late 1999, and 100 day later my abah passed away too. I got sad and worried about their afterlife. Some time I dreamt of brought and carried my mother. My abah looked handsome and young, but my mother looked in pain though looked young too. They been together. Abah always hold my mother’s hand. This dream always made me confused in the morning and I would prayed endlessly, but anxious not leave. This become one of my reason why I search for  God all the way. 

In the time I learned indeed I passed in Hindu Indian tradition, so had been in my guru's ashram for some time until I told had ended my learning. Just because I only in relation with my guru by telepathy, my guru's ashram are my own house. But still I could not go anywhere without his permission. Whatever I tried to get out of my house and did whatever I like ended with punishment, I become sick or in pain. Pain that could only end if I apology for my mistake and promise not to repeat again. During this period  I had to wear a certain clothes also --brahmanasaree—. Even for hair do I had rule how to do it. I did discipline as my guru's dictation and do whatever he told me to do. It made me could send forth many works during my period of learning. All related to handicrafts.

Approached the end of my period of learning then I begin to paint, dance and sing. I too get more freely near the end of the period of learning I permitted to be a dance instructor and body work. And once I completely free I asked to be a consultant. Consultant's work  not 9 to 5. So I still have free time to do my any other work. 

During this period I also could not connect or pertinenced link up with people near me or far away, even the media. All thing related to others are disconnected. I got isolated in the crowd. I forced to retreat from all activities or anything related to the crowd. The thing that made me depressed once. Especially I be made ratherish fat, for no reason. Looked like every morning I woke up, I gain 1 ounce. (Thank goodness now my weight has recovered, only it turn out to recovered I forced to do work out hard, not every morning loose 1 ounce ... sigh). 

Be isolated and be fat are test that everybody may experienced when search God. The test must be about earning coming ins, about life or death, and about self-image. My earning coming ins test was amazingly clogged, until all my property sold out in this period of learning, but it's fine. I've been accepted dead four times in this period too, so that exam I done. But the self-image test, in which case I be made fat and isolated --- oh Mai ...... I failed repeatedly about be fat, because I always cried to see my body gain fat every day which make my breath panting every second. Be isolated often made me feel sad also. Therefore I only could finally passed this test at the end of my fifth year of learning. 

True that the period of learning are always hard. And guru-disciple relationship are really hard to understand by ordinary people. Only the one who learned also would understand it unwrong. But at least I have this note on how to answered such questions. 

Well now ... that's all a glimpse of what I called as a period of learning – of why should I learned. By writing this I become more structured to answered people's questions next time I meet whoever again. Funny is not it to compiled a list of questions and answers like this? But for me it's not funny though... .. because it really make me dizzy repeatedly been asked like this especially if who asked completely common lay in a sense not knowing Hinduism at all. That they had heard Hindu only should be said great. Sod ...... .

But this is the way of my life. This is me. I wish I accepted by everyone as I am. I hope that my wish be fulfilled and blessed.