What's Your Name ?

What is the meaning of a name? that’s the old saying go. In other words, a name not important. What is it, that is what matter. For some time I agreed with that opinion, then began to arise skepticism , a sense of doubt. And my doubts, my wabbles got the answer in the end. I have found out how important a name is.

I so made a list of my own name. My birth name, nickname, alias, abhiseka name, my now name, and I surprised by its mean. Let me show you;

Hesty Lestiani Dora

This is my birth name. Dora was then accidentally not contained in my birth certificate, finally since begin school my name Hesty Lestiani only. I was sad with my this name because hesty in ancient Javanese mean elephant. Taken from hestitama, the name of elephant of Mahadeva. So until I in my 30s I some time feeled sad remembered my name. Ever I asked uncle Google what hesty mean, it said that in Persian Hesty mean goddess. I kind of calm and happy then. Ah ... it seemed to be called a goddess more pleasant than be called an elephant.

But now I knew that hesty’s true meaning are 'dearest'. Only when I knew the meaning of my name, my name had changed. I just sigh……. anyhow I know, the meaning of my this name is good and clement mild.

Divanie (read: Dhu-a-nee)

This is my name on some email and sites that I followed such as Goodreads or on Guardian UK when I still active as a writer and in a few place I forgot. Divanie means 'someone who high drunk in search of God'. I only knew this meaning later, after I learned. But it seemed like when I started using this name it was time I high drunk searching for God.

Sikha Satyadevi Vahnikanya (read: Si-kha Set-ya-de-wi Wan-ni-ka-ya)

This is my name when I become a Hindu. I chose this name with my whole feeling and full of wary. The meaning of this name are 'the girl who always in spirit, who always loyal and always connected to God'. At that time I just felt that this name are beautiful and true. I knew what it meant which this long after I learned too. At the time when I chose this name only by understanding that I a woman who full of spirit and loyal to the truth. But the meaning turned much longer and deeper. I just grateful.

Dharmaneer Shree Ciralani Scekar Mayananda Bhairavi (read: Dhar-ma-nee-ra Sri Ci-ra-la-ni Sce-kar Ma-ya-nan-da Ba-hai-ra-wi)

This is my abhiseka name which mean 'Scekar who always satisfied with her life and able achieved happiness in this world'. The name I got after I learned for few year and reached a definite stage. I thought this name are for good. It should be forever. Apparently because of something and other things suddenly and bang slap I need to change my name, again!

And really I had to change my name again because of something and other things I could not told. But, I believe there always something better behind this. Therefore……

Thaliarani (read: Ta-ha-li-ya-ra-ni)

I have to change my name once again into Thaliarani which mean 'Dear Rani'. Ha ... back again to my birth name. I could only resignated and just wishing for a good after this.

But when I made this list I reminisced my abah name. I reminiscenced my abah and vaguely remember that my abah used to called Ashegaff. The name of my abah are Basuni bin Anang. But he more often called Basuni Ashegaff since he become brother by the Ashegaff family. I not born yet when it happened around the 65's. But I remembered my abah in my village (in Banjarmasin, South Kalimantan) always called Ashegaff since then. To say the true my abah did resembled the Arabman.

What make me sad is; why lately I keep on as if I related to Arab world when I've hated Arabia all this time. I did the ‘out of sane’ thing some time ago, and just understand that my guru are an Arab gentleman, just recalled that my family once one of an Arab family and just realized that I have long been an Arab too, be friends with Arab kid, spent time in Arab village --only because the radical Islamic mass cluster that had grown rapidly in Indonesia since the 90's (to the present day) made me and my family separated and withdrawn and be broke up with Arab families including the Ashegaff family. So my family not involved in railed which made every Arab family as suspect sentenced at this time. I lost contact with Ashegaff family until now. I forgot that I had been called Hesty Ashegaff for some time when my abah was routinely present at Arab family gathering when I lived in Central Java.

Islam radical also who made me hated Arab. They brainwashed me, and ever I’ve been their targeted people to be eliminated when I active as a writer and they concluded that my writing could made their organization jolty lose. I got wrath on them, and for Arab in common. 

But now, what I done wrong with Arab? I was once part of them, then I hated them and now because of my guru I connected-contacted with them once again because I could only seen the other side of Arab world. Gggrr..rr ....

I stand sued my guru about this. I a Hindu. But my guru just asked me to look for something in order for me to get the answer of my situation.

I did looked for it. I could be quite calm. But still feel headache.

I a guru too. And I was wrong think all this time. How I fixed this. Hhfff ...

My writing not straight again. Heehh ... still hard for me to write simple straightaway until now. Let it be ... well ... I still doing my training to write again though. Be in peace.

I could not write any thing to explain what I told in first paragraph now. See you soon to accomplished. 

I feel dizzy. Fiuh….